Lost in a storm

Have you ever found yourself lost in a forest, unsure of where you’re going?
That feeling when you think you know where you are going, only to discover you went in the opposite direction.

How about being lost in a forest during a storm? 

The discomfort, noise, misery, desperation…and paralysing fear.

For months, I struggled to make sense of the darkness and anxiety that had taken over my life. It was one of the worst periods I’ve ever experienced. It was my personal “lost in a forest during a storm” experience, and it brought with it doubts, depression, and a sense of isolation that left me feeling like I had lost everything that mattered to me. No direction, some friends were no more, close relationships fell apart, illness of a family member, being laid-off from work. And then came the physical pain – broken bone – adding to the surreal emotional turmoil. I felt I was losing the touch with reality, that I am not in control of my life. Like a leaf, at the mercy of volatile winds, drifting aimlessly to unknown destinations. Nothing was grounding me, my life and my sense of identity were in the air. I was unbound and without control, untethered.

I worked out many things with my therapist who put words onto what was happening to me. It’s difficult to write about your own mental and emotional struggles, especially as a man. But I feel it’s important to share my story in the hopes that it can help others who may be similarly struggling in silence. I’ll be delving into topics such as psychological and emotional abuse, and how trusting someone else over yourself can have devastating consequences. I will also write about home, purpose, expectations, job, stress and other pressures that made me give up everything and hit the road of the unknown. Some may wonder if I’m playing the victim, but the truth is that these things happen far more often than we care to admit. And they can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. I’m writing this blog to pin down my thoughts, and to help break the stigma around men speaking up about their struggles. To offer support to those who may feel like they have nowhere else to turn. I feel uncomfortable myself. Most of us don’t feel free to talk about what we are passing through, even less to write about it. Commonly, men doing that would be tagged as oversensitive and weak. Our society is glorifying tough men, with the wrong meaning of toughness implied.

Multiple studies showed double standards in rating emotional abuse, even by professional psychologists. Men’s suffering under psychological and emotional abuse is belittled – for identical scenarios, women’s suffering was judged significantly more severe. That’s how deep goes the man-up stereotype.

I hope I can push breaking that stereotype, maybe for just a bit. If my words help at least one other person out there, my own suffering will have had a purpose!

So, if you’re out there and feeling lost in the storm, know that you’re not alone. I hope that by sharing my journey out of the darkness on these pages, you too can find your way back to a sense of home and self-worth.