Shitty Birthday & Rediscovering Self-Worth
I arrived in Buenos Aires (BA) the morning before my birthday, having travelled with Sarah for three weeks and spent some time with Zack and Isabella. Entering a big city was unsettling. Perhaps it was the absence of familiar faces, especially Sarah and Antonela whose presence was always very warm. Big cities were never my cup of tea; I find solace in nature, which is normally hours away in such places. I’d heard unsettling stories about certain parts of BA, which added to my unease, especially since I was alone on my birthday, without anyone I knew to celebrate with.
The feeling of being adrift without a job, friends, or a clear direction, old familiar feelings of discomfort and anxiety resurfaced. I’d managed to keep them away during my recent travels, but now they were back. I had a hard time focusing on anything except the feelings of misery and worthlessness. Speaking with my parents, brothers, and a few close friends was helping me keep the anxiety under control. Still, that day and on my birthday, I felt very much away from my “true self”.
No matter my achievements, and qualities, I tend to fall into the darkness of self-pity. Manipulation and gaslighting that I experienced up to only half a year earlier, created that darkness by devoiding me of my self-esteem and convincing me that my perceptions, emotions and thoughts are all wrong. That core things about myself are fundamentally wrong.
Smile on the outside, mess on the inside – our minds can turn to our enemies.
It’s a tough one to understand if you’ve never been where I’ve been.
Maybe try to take it like this: You believe (or fear) the most negative thoughts that your brain produces – to be completely right! At the same time, you are doubtful, giving too little value to any good thoughts that might occur. Belittling achievements and your qualities, sometimes not remembering them at all.
That is the result of months of manipulations, of psycho-emotional abuse.
With time, I’ve built up skills and managed to trust myself again. To learn to love and appreciate some of the good (and great) sides I have. To trust the achievements and skills that I have, the qualities I still shine out, but can’t see. However, that cloud of doubt that dominated my life for several months always seems to be somewhere on the horizon. Maybe far, but still there. Just threatening with its presence, reminding me of what has been. Then sometimes, it comes back and covers the sky – like on my birthday, when I started re-evaluating where I’m going. Is travelling for your joy, healthcare, and personal growth even worth it? (Of course, it is, 100%). Isn’t it all meaningless? (no, it’s not). You won’t be joyful again, this will be forever all shit. (No, it won’t).
Some things continue to stay as a lighthouse when things turn dark.
My youngest brother told me one thing: “I never met anyone who set up a goal, and achieved it, the way you did. You did everything you wanted to do, you always found a way and never succumbed to fear and difficulties”.
He highlighted my achievements, places I’ve lived, travelled, languages I learned, care I give for others, and positive qualities. He reminded me of my value, what he sees in me. I mention this not to brag, but to emphasize that even with all these achievements and qualities, there were these moments when I lost sight of all of them.
The grounding that his words brought to me got me thinking – there are ways we can come back to our real selves when clouds appear again.
I got lost for two days, I was pitying myself and not feeling I’m worth anything – the symptoms I developed from allowing a narcissist manipulate me over months. My value as a person is there even when I did not see it.
During good times, we construct safe-houses, where we safeguard our intrinsic worth for times when the challenging circumstances appear. These sanctuaries are formed by our achievements, good deeds, positive qualities, unique personalities, … things that others admire in us.
In difficult moments, we can often rely on our close companions to assist us in perceiving ourselves accurately. Our minds can sometimes inflict harm upon us, distorting our self-perception. It is through the words and support of those we hold dear that we are reminded of our true essence. They act as beacons, illuminating our path and guiding us back to our authentic selves.
There is one catch though. We need to ask for help, show that we can’t see ourselves well. We need to be vulnerable and open about what we are experiencing.
Value your close ones. Build the safe-houses with them, the things you are proud of. And nourish your friends, lighthouses that shine on you, that remind you of who you really are.
If you were this lighthouse, who turned on their flashlights to show me who I am when other lights were out, then thank you for it!
Thank you for guiding me back to myself.
